BALI // Pre-Travel Chaos + Trusting The Universe

"You're listening to someone else's story. Listen to your own." - the Universe

I’m typing this on the plane to Seoul so heads up mom and dad I’m alive and well!! Doing amazing considering there’s an open seat next to me #blessupangels. I was stopped by TSA in St. Louis, but I naturally sweet-talked the officer about Whole Food’s raw veggie chips on sale so we gucci. T-minus 5 hours until I arrive in Seoul for my connecting flight for Bali 💃🏽 Who’s excited?! THIS GAL IS!!

Alright so I could go on about how I’m stoked to for my gap semester in Bali (that’s a given), but I should also note it hasn’t been all happy dances and excitement 24/7 the past week.

Allow me to paint the picture: one day before I headed to Chicago to apply for my Indonesian visa, I managed to lose my driver’s license and all of my credit cards, cancel all my cards and replace my license, only to find them the next day; then the next I drive to Chicago through a midwestern crazy thunderstorm (swear it was probs a tornado which is my biggest fear) at night by myself to to apply for my visa very, very last minute.

Plus, I’ve had this pit of loneliness I've never experienced before, and have definitely experienced my fair share of solo-travel fears, anxiety, and doubts. Aka will I have the right clothes? Am I overpacking? Underpacking? Holy f am I sure I can do this? Do I have to declare my trail mix at customs? What am I going to do for24 hours on a plane? etc. You get the point. Irrational or not, you could say there’s been a lot going on in my noggin.

I 100% believe everything happens for a reason and the Universe is always pointing us in the right direction no matter the circumstances, but I just couldn’t understand why everything was happening at once. Then, as I was walking in the park a few days before leaving, I received a message from the Universe that stopped me in my tracks (literally).

The Message That Stopped Me In My Tracks

So, here I am strolling along in the park, listening to a podcast as I do (this time From the Heart: Conversations With Yoga Girl by Rachel Brathen which I highly recommend), when all of the sudden I heard this message radiate through my body:

"You're listening to someone else's story. Listen to your own." 

In that moment I knew this message came from a power much higher than myself. I could tell by its truthful essence--the way it felt—that it was an internal billboard trying to get my attention. In reality, I was using Yoga Girl's words o wisdom instead of listening to what my internal guidance was trying to show me. THE FUCKKK Universe just hit me with some truth.

Finding the Lessons in My Pre-Travel Chaos

Once I finally stopped for a second, I realized exactly the message the Universe was sending me. 

I can choose to see these rather unfortunate events as "rough" and take the "I'm a victim to my circumstances" standpoint, or I can thank the Universe for putting each lesson in my path for a reason and for preparing me for what's to come next. The Universe places each situation in front of me at the exact right time, and holds a lesson in each experience, and once I truly listen to what's coming up for me instead of trying to block out my fears with Yoga Girl's words, shopping, or making countless packing lists to distract myself, I hear the message within the fears and chaos. 

Where the magic happens: Whenever we make a huge shift in life, it's bound to bring up a whole lot of shit. Shit you didn't even know existed within you. Shit you thought you healed a long time ago. Shit you didn’t think would ever affect you. But in these crucial times, if we choose to TRUST that everything that comes up is here to teach you a lesson at the exact right time it is meant to be heard, and we LOOK at those lessons with open eyes and an open heart, that we transform. 

That is when we are on the edge of freedom. 

PART 1: LOVING THE CHAOS

I LOVE my fears. I LOVE these chaotic events. Ok, ok maybe not in the moment, but looking back I can see the Universe artfully places these experiences on my path as a test. Ever notice that once you're comfortable, you're faced with yet another challenge or your plans are totally switched up? Yep, that's basically the Universe's way of saying, "oh, so can you really handle this?" For me the challenge was, "Can you really handle traveling solo?" And to that I'd say damn straight I can. Or maybe I'm just competitive.

Fears have a beautiful way of pointing you in the direction of where you do want to go and bringing up exactly what needs to be healed or transformed within. 

PART 2: FINDING THE LESSON IN THE CHAOS

For me it’s super important to actually name the positive side of things that seemed negative or chaotic in the moment. Everything happens for a reason, but it’s up to you to shift your perspective to discover the lessons and magic within the chaos. 

Losing my cards: Now I know how to go about canceling my cards, ordering new ones, and getting a replacement ID if this were to ever happen overseas.

Driving to get my visa: I conquered my fear of driving in the pouring rain (pouring is far from an understatement it was seriously like 0% visibility or maybe I’m exaggerating who knows), traveled to a city by myself, and had to apply for a visa on my own. This was just a taste of what solo travel will be like for me.

Loneliness: This trip is stripping me of everything I know, everything I am comfortable with, to make way for a new, freer way of living. I musty allow the space to be empty to uncover the truths of my identity. Separating the old from the new, and redefining how I see myself.

Travel fears: These minuscule fears are just the ego's way of keeping the mind busy and covering big, deep-rooted fears, like the fear of not being good enough on my own, the fear of not being in control, the fear of being cut off from the people I rely on. It's time to address what's laying beneath.

PART 3: TRUSTING THE UNIVERSE (AND THE CHAOS)

Now, try with all your might to just let go and TRUST the universe. You are supported, held, and everything is working out in your favor whether you think it or not. The Universe has your back, and you're never alone in this journey. It’s all good babe. 

My plane is about to decent so it’s time for me to put my tray table up and sign off :) Sending all my love from the air over South Korea! Find your chaos, find your lessons, trust the universe. 

Rock on you rockstar,

XO Stef

BALI // Why I'm Taking A Semester Off of School to Volunteer in Bali

By the looks of that title, you probably already guessed my life update -- I've decided to take a leave of absence from school this semester to volunteer teaching English in Bali. 

SAY WHAT?!

Trust me, I feel the same way. Two weeks ago I would have never guessed that I'd be traveling any further than the 20-minute drive to campus this fall, much less a 30-hour flight across the world. But, as one of my closest friends put it, "Stef, you're not the most conventional person, so this really isn't that much of a surprise." Maaaaybe there's a hint of truth in that 😜

Jetting off alone to volunteer in Bali for a semester might make zero sense to some. It's way against the grain. It's incredibly last minute. But hey, I'm finally listening to my soul, and taking action in the direction its pointing me.

Finally, I'm listening to myself

I've always had this intuitive feeling that after spending two years at Wash U I'd have some sort of shift in my school plans, yet I had no clue what that would be.

It's not that anything has been terribly wrong at school. In fact, it's all seemed pretty perfect from the outside -- I love my friends, I'm involved on campus, my classes go well, and I truly enjoy learning. But internally, I've had this inexplicable feeling that just something ain't right at the moment. 

This feeling is a knowing that I'm here to learn something that cannot be taught in a classroom. It's a feeling that I need to gain a broader perspective on things, rather than just following along the "traditional" route of school. The problem was I never listened to that gut feeling -- until now.

plus, after being sick with just about every 

My Turning Point

About two weeks ago I hit a point where I realized that I've just been going through the motions with school, rather than truly understanding and enjoying where I am. Everything for the past two years has moved so crazy quickly - study, go out, sleep (if time allows), repeat - and my body is telling me it's time to take a step back. 

Sometimes I think we get so caught up in following these preset paths by society just because they're the "norm." We think school and to look a certain way and if we stray from that path then we're automatically failures, freaks, or whatever. This is an illusion.

Really, there is no "one size fits all" for life. Every single human will have a different path because every single human is unique. And that's beautiful. 

It makes zero sense to live according to someone else's plans. Like Actually zero. Zilch. Nada. 

It's kinda funny, if you think about it (ok maybe that's just me??). No one ever has a clue what they're doing here on earth. And if no one ever has a clue, who am I to follow willingly in their footsteps? It's one aimless traveler following the next. ZERO. SENSE. 

I might not have it all figured out, but I do know I am on this planet to create the life that I want to live, spread some love, and empower others to do the same. In order to do that, I have to start by first having the courage to listen to my Self over anyone else.

One semester of my life is TINY in the grand scheme of things, so my mentality is why not? Being a treacher is somehing I always dreamed of as a little kiddo, so maybe this is my chance to fulfill a bit of this passion. 

SOME THOUGHTS

The only person that can truly tell you the next right step for you is YOU. Not your parents, not your friends, not your peers, not society, not the Dali Lama. It's on YOU. 

It's up to YOU to tune in to yourself, hook up to the Universe, and listen to your internal cues.

It's up to YOU to forge your own way.

It's up to YOU to take action towards your future.

Imma accept that challenge and take my life into my own hands. Of course I'll be finishing school and going back to Wash U, but for now, I'm headed out on this crazy, love-filled, exciting-yet-wtf-am-I-doing kinda adventure. :) 

All my love,

XO Stef

Get Beverage-y With It: 3 of My Go-To Drinks To Replace Coffee

As you may know according to one of my recent posts, I’ve quit coffee for a bit. As I mentioned, possibly biggest thing that’s kept me going is being able to have another drink that fills in for my previous coffee ritual.

So, instead of spending the big bucks on the latest fancy drink or kombucha craze (I admit I am a victim to a good wellness-based marketing scheme),  I've decided to start mixing up concoctions on my own in the kitchen as part of my high vibe morning routine. And might I say, it’s been a splendid ride.

Warning--when reading through these drinks, your first reaction might be, "Stef who the f*ck drinks those kinds of things?!" Hold up, let's keep an open mind here, folks. Each offer unique, holistic health benefits that give you more than meets the eye. Of course they aren't coffee, but just trust me on this one. 

DRINKS TO REPLACE COFFEE

I use the same base of almond milk + vanilla + stevia for most of my drinks. It’s just what works for me, but feel free to take your own spin on this -- you do you. 

1. Matcha-licious Latte (contains caffeine)

me n buddha just hanging out with our morning matcha.

• 1 c. almond milk or water just before boiling

• ½ - 1 ½ tsp. matcha powder*

• 1 tsp. coconut oil or coconut butter

• Dash vanilla

• Stevia (or other sweetener) to taste

• My fav add-ins: ashwaganda + reishi (adaptogens that are great for balancing hormones)

Directions: Heat water or almond milk until just before boiling point (if it's too hot, it burns the matcha leaves and gives it a bitter taste). Steep with 0.5-1.5 tsp matcha powder + add into blender. Blend with remaining ingredients until frothy. Pour over ice if that strikes your fancy.

*Start slow with your matcha dose, then gradually build up. I tried making my first latte with 1.5 tsp matcha and was hit with mad nausea + headaches. Everyone's different, so pay attention to your body.

What matcha tastes like: Matcha is definitely more earthy tasting, and it might catch you off guard at first. You’ll get used to it, or you can doctor it up enough to taste uber delish.

Benefits of matcha: Matcha has been my true saving grace on this coffee-free journey. It’s been used for eons by Chinese Daoists and Japanese Zen Buddhist monks stay alert while relaxing and meditating. It’s high in antioxidants, enhances calm, increases memory and concentration, increases energy and endurance, boosts metabolism without the negative side-effects of coffee (increased heart rate, high blood pressure), strengthens the immune system.

My go-to Matcha powder: 

Ujido Matcha Green Tea Powder

 

2. Chaga ‘Coffee Imposter' Tea (caffeine-free)

• 1 tea bag Chaga Tea OR 1 packet Chaga (I use Four Sigmatic brand)

• 1 cup almond milk (or less)

• Dash vanilla.

• Stevia (or other sweetener) to taste.

• My favorite add-ins: collagen peptides, cacao powder, maca.

Directions: If using Chaga in a tea bag, brew the tea for about 5-7 minutes. If using a chaga packet, mix the packet with *almost* boiling water. Add all ingredients into the blender (can you tell I really love my blender?) and blend until frothy. Voila!

What Chaga tastes like: It has a deeper, darker flavor, much like coffee (hence the 'coffee imposter' name). Of course, it’s not exact, but it’s probably the closest you can get to coffee herbally. 

Benefits of Chaga: Chaga is a mushroom (stick with me). It supports the immune system, soothes pain, antimicrobial, supports gastrointestinal health, and is super chocked full of antioxidants.

My go-to Chaga packets

Four Sigmatic Chaga Elixir

 

3. Turmeric Golden Milk (caffeine-free)  

• 1 c. coconut milk (or almond milk)

• 1 tsp. turmeric (I use )

• 1 tsp. coconut oil *helps your body absorb the turmeric

• Dash vanilla

• Dash cinnamon

• Honey or stevia to sweeten

• Optional add-ins: ashwaganda + reishi adaptogens.

Directions: Heat almond milk on the stove. Add the rest of ingredients into your blender, and blend until frothy. Pour over ice if you're into that vibe.

What Turmeric Golden Milk Tastes Like: A warm hug from grandma <3 No seriously. This stuff is like crack, but the good kind. You’ll just have to try it out.

Benefits of Turmeric Golden Milk: Golden milk is a traditional Ayurvedic drink that has been made by Kundalini yogis for years, and there’s no doubt why. Turmeric contains circumin, which is one of the most potent anti-inflammatories out there. It is amazing at increasing blood circulation, fighting infection and disease, and promoting healthy cell function. Specifically, it helps promote sleep, heal colds, sore throat, diarrhea, IBD, menstrual cramps, headaches, and arthritis.

My go-to Turmeric Golden Milk Mix: 

Turmeric Golden Milk

4. Celery Juice

Hahhh this ain't a joke. For a month I completed the Medical Medium Cleanse. It calls for 16 oz. of celery juice every morning which might seem crazy, but it truly helped me kick coffee 100%. See my insta post about it here. 

There ya have it, folks--basically my survival guide for quitting coffee. Before we end, I have a confession. We're on vacation this week in Colorado in a town that has my number one favorite coffee ever, so I'm trying with all my willpower to stay coffee-free. However I might just  but I have to treat myself :) Stay tuned.

Enjoy your sipping!

All my love,

P.S. As I said, I'm obsessed with getting beverage-y so you may see another one of these posts in the future.

The Self Love Experiment: 100 Days of Self Love

Last post I wrote about just starting. Well, here I am, starting.

I decided to take a dose of my own medicine and start to love myself. 

MY SELF-LOVE STORY

Self-love has always been the missing piece for me. As I've mentioned, in high school I struggled with a combo of eating disorders, and even at my thinnest, most accomplished point when it seemed I had everything, I didn't love myself. In fact, I spent most of the time hating on myself. I never thought I was pretty enough, thin enough, cool enough, or worthy enough for love. I loved what other people thought of me, I loved the comments and likes I would get, but I never actually loved myself.

And now, while I've gone through recovery, replenished my body, and am truly 100x happier and more spiritually connected than I've ever been before,  I still struggle with truly, deeply, and completely loving myself. This is the missing piece left to heal.

Throughout this whole "self awakening" or whatever ya wanna call it, I've always had this mentality of "oh, I'll love myself when..." and brushed self-love under the carpet, thinking it would just "work itself out" eventually. 

Well, that approach hasn't worked. I've tried just powering through, numbing, throwing myself into other activities to try and make myself "worthy" of my love. These things might seem ok in the short term, but they never truly heal the feelings inside. When we allow these challenging emotions to sit internally and just fester, they only grow. But, if we decide to get really honest and expose the beast within--aka actually look at the feeling, sit with it, and really, truly feel it, we can heal.

What we see, we can heal.

I have reached what you could say is my breaking point. Today is the day I've decided, no. more. I can't go on in life wth all these crazy judgmental thoughts any longer. It's not fun. I've realized that I don't know if I remember what it's like to completely, truly love myself -- to actually be able to look in the mirror and love what I see; to have confidence with my actions in every instance; or to make a decision and stand behind it 100%. And I want that back. 

"What we can see, we can heal"

- Barbara DeAngelis, Soul Shifts

We must not turn away from our most challenging obstacles, for it is by going through these challenges that we unlock the deepest wisdom of our souls. Through the greatest pain, comes the greatest lessons.  (Can I get a HELL YA?! This is good stuff.)

I've decided to start seeing myself 100% without ignoring or pushing it away any part of me. I've decided to start loving myself.

Self love & Authenticity

So this brings me to my next point - you probs know I'm all about high vibes, authenticity, and one love. But how can I preach this message of compassion for others, if I don't have compassion for myself? How could I ever accept another person, authentically and on a soul-to-soul level, if I don't accept myself? How could I love another person so deeply and completely, if I don't love myself? You get the point.

Part of me has always felt extremely inauthentic talking about all this spirituality and living a positive life, when I couldn't even bring myself to look at myself in the mirror. Nope, I'm not putting up with this any longer :) 

I want to share a behind-the-scenes glimpse of what true, raw, authentic healing looks like. So I'm sharing this journey because I truly believe that it is through stories that we heal. When I give myself permission to love myself and authentically accept myself 100% of the time, I give others permission to do the same.

100 Days of self love

So, for 100 days, I commit to practicing self-love. In any circumstance, situation, shape, I commit. I commit. I commit. I commit to expanding my consciousness, looking at the painful parts, and getting my self- love practice down pat. Part of me is like "Stef, wtf are you doing, this is a huge commitment," and the other part of me is all "bring it on," so I'm choosing the latter.

I have no clue what this will look like just yet, but for 100 days, I will connect deeply with my higher self, that inner knowing that knows that there is only pure love. This is my way of getting really real and putting my story out there so that others maybe can heal too.

And no doubt I already feel a shift -- I love me, and every single fucking part of me. Not just the fun parts or the polished and spiritual parts, but the painful parts, the raw parts, the parts I once thought were unlovable. So motherf*cking cheers to that <3

My love note to you

I'm not sure how many people will ever read this, but if you're reading -- hey. I think you might have been guided to this post for a reason. If you've ever struggled with anything - mental health, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, shame, perfectionism etc. you are not alone. I think we've all been there in one form or another. And if my journey can be any source of inspiration or hope to you, cheers. Let's do this thing. Together.

Just like a geode, when you crack yourself open, you allow the most beautiful parts of your soul to shine. Give yourself permission to let your light shine, and you will guide the way for others to do the same.

I'll leave you with this teaching from a metaphysical text, A Course In Miracles:

"The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a sacred love." 💕

Bam. Stay tuned for the journey,

XO Stef

Start, And the Pressure Will Be Off.

A note before getting into it: sometimes I feel that these words I type do not come from me, but from a place of wisdom higher than myself. Some sort of presence (call it God, the Universe, my higher self, the man on the moon) flows through me and onto the page, ready to be shared - I'm not really sure. And usually the exact guidance that I need to hear myself. So here it goes:

"When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off." 

- Yogi Bhajan, The 5 Sutras Of The Aquarian Age

This Kundalini teaching whispered into my ear as I sat waiting in the Apple Store (as one does), and it sparked something within me.

Sometimes I think we build up this story in our minds of all the reasons why we can’t do something, why we’re not qualified enough, smart enough, not pretty enough, not perfect enough, not fit enough, ready enough. We think we have to learn more, read all the books, look better, solve all our personal issues, go to more school, xyz before we actually start doing.

But, your soul is always ready. It has lived through lifetimes and has wisdom beyond what your mind can comprehend. It has acquired teachings and guides, and spiritual teachers, and it is here to guide you home. It is here to guide you to a greater understanding, a shift in perspective, and an awakening to your true potential, power, and purpose in this world.

Start, and the pressure will be off. 

Start doing that thing you didn’t think you could do. 

By ditching all the "what ifs" and "not good enoughs" and just jumping in, we realize we know a lot more than we ever give ourselves credit for. J U M P, and you will be caught. J U M P, and you will find your way. J U M P, and T R U S T yourself that you are smart enough to get your footing.

The next step will always appear, as long as we let go of the fear, and move from a place of love. Move from a place of excitement for the future, rather than looking over our shoulder at the past. Even if it’s scary as hell, just do it. Move. Keep going.

Start, and the pressure will be off.

Quit procrastinating your dreams of sharing your passions or spreading your message to the world (or doing your homework or making that call). Just do. it. Make it happen in your own magical way. And you realize that it was never such a big deal after all--the pressure lifts, your shoulders feel lighter, and you realize you had it within you the entire freaking time. 

You are smarter than you think, More beautiful than you will ever see, and more skilled than you know is possible. You have all of it within.

Trust yourself, trust the universe, trust your guides. They’ve got you. We’ve got you, and you’ve got this. Everything always works out and you are never ever ever "off your path." It may wind, twist and turn, but you are never lost. 

WHAT I MEAN IN REAL LIFE

This all came to me when I was reflecting on my current internship at a content marketing agency. At the start of summer I knew next to nothing about content marketing or thought leadership -- I had a general idea, but I had no real clue what I was doing -- I just knew I was in the right place.  

If I would have looked at everything I didn't know about the industry and labeled myself as too "incompetent," "not ready," or "unqualified" to step into this position, I would have cut myself off completely from all possibility. 

Instead, I jumped in to the unknown. I started doing the tasks assigned me, reading articles, researching for articles, just starting. After a few months, I realize that while I'm not even close to an expert, I've learned  a great deal more than I ever knew before.

The way I learned was not by researching the hell out of the industry before starting, but by learning as I go, learning by producing content and putting words to knowledge,  regardless of the complete and utter intimidation. 

THRUST YOURSELF INTO THE UNKNOWN.

What if we had the self-discipline and courage to actually thrust ourselves into the unknown, without someone else pushing us first?

In a new job position you you are pushed into the unknown. Maybe you chose the position, usually it's other people or the position itself, challenging you with new things to learn and complete. And because of this you learn things you never had a clue about before, and come out on the other side a more knowledgable, wiser badd-ass.

But again, what if we thrust ourselves into the unknown on a daily basis? What if we finally just did whatever it is that we knew in our souls to do? Magic. Growth. Passion.

I've realized that this is a huge learning point for me in my life: thrusting myself into the unknown. I usually never do it. I've always been more on living on the predictable side of things where I know I'm safe.

So, I commit to JUST. START. I commit to having the courage to throw myself into the unknown. Quit playing it safe. Cross over from the predictable side, into the wild side. 

ALLOW THE UNIVERSE TO FLOW THROUGH YOU.

Once we start, all of the worries and fears dissipate. We realize we're all just here to connect, empower, and unite one another. No judgements. Always divinely guided.

Let me explain with another example: when I started Soul Circle with Gina, I had no idea what I was doing — I kept thinking, Who am I to be 'leading' a group of girls? I was so uncomfortable and nervous. I didn’t think I was wise enough, or had any knowledge to share. How could I come up with something new every week? How could I actually make an impact? I didn’t think I was worthy enough, enlightened enough, or ready enough to step into this environment.

But (with a lotta support), I jumped. I just started. And even though I was scared shitless at first (speaking in group of even 3 people was not my forte), I did it. I kept jumping in each week, and now Soul Circle has become my everything. It has guided me to know myself, and I'm no expert at anything in the Universe, but am learning as I go, supported by these girls.

But in order to get to this place, I had to just start. Nothing would have happened unless I started. 

And each week I am surprised by the wisdom that comes through — I know it is not me speaking, but a power much greater than myself. When we take that initial step to S T A R T our dreams, and just L E T  G O, we allow spirit to flow through us. 

When we start, we let go. And when we let down our barriers of fear or stress or anxiety, and just let it all flow, we allow god or the universe to enter into us and take over. We allow our soul’s deepest wisdom to come through and surprise us constantly. This is magic. This is getting in the flow with life. When we are in the flow with life, the pressure is completely off. We know our place. We know our worth. We know our beauty. 

Let's face it--you may never feel like you're ready, but your soul is always ready. So, just start. Whatever it is that you've been putting off--your dreams, your homework, traveling the world--step into your full power. Start, and the pressure will be off.