I decided to take a dose of my own medicine and start to love myself.
MY SELF-LOVE STORY
Self-love has always been the missing piece for me. As I've mentioned, in high school I struggled with a combo of eating disorders, and even at my thinnest, most accomplished point when it seemed I had everything, I didn't love myself. In fact, I spent most of the time hating on myself. I never thought I was pretty enough, thin enough, cool enough, or worthy enough for love. I loved what other people thought of me, I loved the comments and likes I would get, but I never actually loved myself.
And now, while I've gone through recovery, replenished my body, and am truly 100x happier and more spiritually connected than I've ever been before, I still struggle with truly, deeply, and completely loving myself. This is the missing piece left to heal.
Throughout this whole "self awakening" or whatever ya wanna call it, I've always had this mentality of "oh, I'll love myself when..." and brushed self-love under the carpet, thinking it would just "work itself out" eventually.
Well, that approach hasn't worked. I've tried just powering through, numbing, throwing myself into other activities to try and make myself "worthy" of my love. These things might seem ok in the short term, but they never truly heal the feelings inside. When we allow these challenging emotions to sit internally and just fester, they only grow. But, if we decide to get really honest and expose the beast within--aka actually look at the feeling, sit with it, and really, truly feel it, we can heal.
What we see, we can heal.
I have reached what you could say is my breaking point. Today is the day I've decided, no. more. I can't go on in life wth all these crazy judgmental thoughts any longer. It's not fun. I've realized that I don't know if I remember what it's like to completely, truly love myself -- to actually be able to look in the mirror and love what I see; to have confidence with my actions in every instance; or to make a decision and stand behind it 100%. And I want that back.
"What we can see, we can heal"
- Barbara DeAngelis, Soul Shifts
We must not turn away from our most challenging obstacles, for it is by going through these challenges that we unlock the deepest wisdom of our souls. Through the greatest pain, comes the greatest lessons. (Can I get a HELL YA?! This is good stuff.)
I've decided to start seeing myself 100% without ignoring or pushing it away any part of me. I've decided to start loving myself.
Self love & Authenticity
So this brings me to my next point - you probs know I'm all about high vibes, authenticity, and one love. But how can I preach this message of compassion for others, if I don't have compassion for myself? How could I ever accept another person, authentically and on a soul-to-soul level, if I don't accept myself? How could I love another person so deeply and completely, if I don't love myself? You get the point.
Part of me has always felt extremely inauthentic talking about all this spirituality and living a positive life, when I couldn't even bring myself to look at myself in the mirror. Nope, I'm not putting up with this any longer :)
I want to share a behind-the-scenes glimpse of what true, raw, authentic healing looks like. So I'm sharing this journey because I truly believe that it is through stories that we heal. When I give myself permission to love myself and authentically accept myself 100% of the time, I give others permission to do the same.
100 Days of self love
So, for 100 days, I commit to practicing self-love. In any circumstance, situation, shape, I commit. I commit. I commit. I commit to expanding my consciousness, looking at the painful parts, and getting my self- love practice down pat. Part of me is like "Stef, wtf are you doing, this is a huge commitment," and the other part of me is all "bring it on," so I'm choosing the latter.
I have no clue what this will look like just yet, but for 100 days, I will connect deeply with my higher self, that inner knowing that knows that there is only pure love. This is my way of getting really real and putting my story out there so that others maybe can heal too.
And no doubt I already feel a shift -- I love me, and every single fucking part of me. Not just the fun parts or the polished and spiritual parts, but the painful parts, the raw parts, the parts I once thought were unlovable. So motherf*cking cheers to that <3
My love note to you
I'm not sure how many people will ever read this, but if you're reading -- hey. I think you might have been guided to this post for a reason. If you've ever struggled with anything - mental health, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, shame, perfectionism etc. you are not alone. I think we've all been there in one form or another. And if my journey can be any source of inspiration or hope to you, cheers. Let's do this thing. Together.
Just like a geode, when you crack yourself open, you allow the most beautiful parts of your soul to shine. Give yourself permission to let your light shine, and you will guide the way for others to do the same.
I'll leave you with this teaching from a metaphysical text, A Course In Miracles:
"The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a sacred love." 💕
Bam. Stay tuned for the journey,